May 29, 2008

Here's the thing:

This baby is going to be the biggest adventure of my life so far. I am ridiculously excited about it. I'm happy, in fact. SO, it would be great if asshole people would stop pointing out that my baby will cry and poop and probably not sleep through the night for a couple of months (or, according to one dipshit non-father, my baby won't sleep through the night for 18 months or so.) Do you think I'm an idiot? That I've been in a bubble? Explain it to me. Does it make you feel good to see my face drop?

Blaming my hormones on my attitude toward you is unacceptable. If you are being an asshole, I will call you on it. Me calling you on it is not a byproduct of my hormones. I am not some crazy irrational girl because I want to be treated like a human being.

I'm going to be a mother and I cannot wait. If you can't be happy and supportive, shut the fuck up. I am TIRED of laughing off the hormone jokes, and the pointing out that I waddle when I walk. YOU try carrying a few extra (um... 20.) pounds across your pelvis and see how YOU walk.

I'm also tired of people being astonished that I am still working. Pregnancy is not terminal. I have two months to go and odds are I'll be working for the majority of that.

Know what's really funny? All the comments that piss me off the most are from men who have no children. In fact, they come from men without a wife or girlfriend. And at this rate, no woman will put up with them.

I am lucky that my pregnancy has gone off without a hitch so far. I am blessed that I wasn't put on bed rest for the last two months of my pregnancy like someone I know. That doesn't mean it's not hard as hell and getting harder. I am roughly the size of a VW bus and I'm constantly amazed that I don't keel forward when I walk.

Please be kind to the pregnant women in your life. Their brains are working overtime on sixty billion things that may have never even floated across the transom of your mind ("Hey! You kicked! Good. You're still alive." "Is this bathwater too hot? Am I boiling you?" "What is that and why is it digging into my spleen?") Be kind to them because no matter how cute you think they look, more than likely they feel the size of form of public transportation. Don't share horrible childbirth stories unless they ask, and even then... maybe cushion the blow a little bit.

I'm not saying you should coddle a pregnant woman - we can sniff out condescension a mile away (must be the hormones.) - all I'm saying is... be kind.

I'm going to go take a bath and hope against hope I don't boil my kid like a Maine lobster.

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