Dear Bob,

• Describe your feelings for your baby and what it's like to know he's growing inside you.
I'm sorry, kid, but it's really flippin' weird. You make me have to pee all the time, and you kick my insides, and my ass is getting big because of little ol' you. I love you, but I can't say that growing you is the world's most magical experience.

• Imagine a perfect day with your baby and what you'll do together.
On your 11th birthday your dad and I will take you to a Twins game, we'll eat some sunflower seeds, get an autographed baseball from whatever star player the Twins have in 2019, and then we'll go home. As we are relaxing on the deck, an owl flies up, drops a letter on your lap and we realize you've been admitted to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I celebrate because not only are you a wizard, but I also don't have to clean your smelly prepubescent boy clothes for nine months out of the year! Hooray!

(God, I'm a nerd.)

• Write down your hopes, dreams, and wishes for your baby.
Yale undergrad, Johns Hopkins medical school, discovers both the cure for cancer and a perfect remedy for cellulite.

• Think about what being a mother means to you and your definition of what makes a good mother.
Truthfully? I just hope I don't pass my passive-aggressive nature on to my kids. I think that would be the worst thing I could do to them. And guilt, while useful in some situations, shouldn't be used on your kids. However, bribery is a must.



Love,
Mom